Why joining a group feels so hard for men — and how to make it easier

The first visit is usually the hardest part. Not because the group is wrong for you, but because being the new bloke is uncomfortable.

You see the post.

A men's walk.

Coffee afterwards.

Nothing especially threatening.

You think:

“That might actually be alright.”

Then your brain immediately produces a list.

Who goes?

Will they all know each other?

What if they're not my sort of people?

What if nobody talks to me?

Worse:

What if they do?

What am I supposed to say?

What if I turn up and it looks like some sort of group therapy session?

By the time you've finished thinking about it, staying home suddenly seems like the sensible option.

So you do.

Then a month later you see another event.

And repeat exactly the same process.

If that sounds familiar, there's nothing particularly strange about it.

Joining something new is uncomfortable because you don't yet know where you fit.

The frustrating part is that the only reliable way to stop being the new bloke is to go while you still are one.

The fear is usually bigger before you arrive

This is one of the things I notice repeatedly.

Before the event:

“I don't know anyone.”

After:

“Actually, that was alright.”

The group itself hasn't changed.

Your information has.

Beforehand, your brain has to predict everything.

Afterwards, it has evidence.

You know:

where to park;

what people wear;

whether anybody is weird;

how many turn up;

what they talk about;

whether you survived the coffee.

Uncertainty drops.

That's why the first visit carries disproportionate weight.

It isn't simply another event.

It is the event where everything is unknown.

What's actually going on?

Your brain constantly tries to predict social situations.

That's useful.

We need to understand roughly how we're expected to behave around other people.

But new groups remove most of the usual information.

You don't know:

who has status;

who is friendly;

what the humour is like;

whether conversations are serious;

whether people already have established friendships;

whether there are unwritten rules.

So your brain becomes more alert.

It watches.

Compares.

Evaluates.

That's not weakness.

It's social learning.

The difficulty comes when that normal uncertainty gets interpreted as:

“This means I shouldn't go.”

Feeling awkward before doing something unfamiliar doesn't necessarily mean the thing is wrong.

Sometimes it simply means it's unfamiliar.

The MoMENtum insight: The New-Bloke Problem™

I think the barrier often works like this.

You don't know anyone

↓

You imagine everyone else knows each other

↓

You imagine yourself standing awkwardly on your own

↓

You feel anxious

↓

You don't go

↓

You remain someone who doesn't know anyone.

That's The New-Bloke Problem™.

Avoiding the discomfort protects you today.

But it also guarantees the same discomfort will still exist next month.

The only exit is somewhere in the middle:

Go while it still feels awkward.

Not a particularly sophisticated psychological intervention.

But often the correct one.

Fear 1: “Everyone will already know each other”

Some will.

Some won't.

And even established groups aren't usually as closed as they appear from the outside.

This is one of those social illusions we create.

You walk into a café and see two men laughing.

Your brain decides:

“They're obviously best mates.”

Maybe they met three events ago.

You don't know.

Established familiarity can develop surprisingly quickly when a group meets regularly.

That's why repetition matters.

The first time, everyone is unfamiliar.

The second time, you recognise a face.

By the third, someone says:

“Alright mate?”

That's how belonging often starts.

Fear 2: “Nobody will talk to me”

This one is understandable.

Standing alone in a room is uncomfortable.

Any decent social group should know that.

If a group claims to exist to help people connect but completely ignores new members, it's failing at one of its most basic jobs.

That's why structure matters.

At MoMENtum, the point isn't to throw a new man into a crowd and hope natural selection sorts him out.

People should be greeted.

Introduced.

Given some idea of what's happening.

Nobody can guarantee instant friendships.

But we can avoid making someone feel as though they've walked into a private party by mistake.

Fear 3: “I'll have nothing to say”

You don't need material.

You're not doing stand-up.

There are several highly advanced opening lines available:

“You been before?”

“How did you hear about this?”

“Where are you from?”

“You walking far today?”

Men have built entire friendships from less.

And activities help because you don't need uninterrupted conversation.

On a walk, something else is happening.

There's scenery.

Dogs.

Weather.

Someone gets lost.

Conversation has somewhere to go.

Silence isn't automatically awkward.

That is one reason activity-based settings can reduce social pressure.

Fear 4: “What if I don't fit in?”

This is probably the biggest one.

And there is a possibility you won't.

No group suits everyone.

That's fine.

But there's a difference between:

“These genuinely aren't my people.”

and:

“I felt uncomfortable because I didn't know anyone.”

You can't reliably distinguish those from the car park.

You need some actual evidence.

Come once.

Maybe twice.

Then decide.

Alan's perspective

If I designed MoMENtum around men who already love joining groups, we'd be solving the wrong problem.

The men I'm interested in are often the ones sitting at home thinking:

“Groups aren't really my thing.”

Sometimes they're right.

But sometimes “groups aren't my thing” actually means:

“Walking into a room where I don't know anyone makes me uncomfortable.”

Fair enough.

Me too.

Most people don't enjoy the first five minutes of being new.

That's why I don't want MoMENtum to feel like a networking event.

Networking events are my idea of hell.

You arrive, stick a badge on yourself and apparently spend two hours asking strangers:

“So what do you do?”

No thanks.

I'd rather walk somewhere.

Get coffee.

Talk naturally.

Let people get used to each other.

The aim isn't to create instant intimacy.

It's to reduce the amount of pressure required for men to spend time around other men.

What I see at MoMENtum

The most important shift is often tiny.

A man arrives alone.

Looks uncertain.

Has a chat with someone.

Comes back.

Next time, he already knows one face.

That's it.

Nothing spectacular happened.

But psychologically the second event is completely different from the first.

He is no longer entering a place where he knows nobody.

He knows one person.

That matters.

Then perhaps two.

Then several.

This is why I think regular groups matter much more than constantly creating clever one-off events.

Belonging needs enough repetition to form.

What does the wider evidence say about belonging?

Recent England data gives some useful context.

In the 2024/25 Community Life Survey, 62% of adults said they felt very or fairly strongly that they belonged to their immediate neighbourhood.

Among men, the figure was slightly lower at 61%.

The same data also found adults aged 35–49 reported below-average neighbourhood belonging at 60%, while those aged 25–34 were lower again at 52%. (gov.uk)

That doesn't prove men should join groups.

But it does show that feeling part of a community is far from universal, particularly through the working-age years when careers, children and responsibilities often take up enormous amounts of time.

The latest Community and Engagement Survey also shows men remain active in organised community participation: 18% of both males and females reported formal volunteering at least monthly in 2025/26, while 23% of males reported monthly informal volunteering. (gov.uk)

So the issue isn't that men are incapable of joining things.

It's making the first step feel worthwhile and manageable.

Why structure reduces anxiety

Imagine two invitations.

Invitation A

Come and meet some new people.

Where?

Who?

What are we doing?

How long?

How many people?

Do I just walk in?

No thanks.

Invitation B

Sunday walk. Saltram. 10am. About an hour. Coffee afterwards if you want. Some come alone. No need to book your life away.

Immediately easier.

Structure reduces unknowns.

You know:

where;

when;

what;

roughly how long;

what happens afterwards.

That's one of the most practical ways groups can make themselves easier to join.

Don't tell nervous new members:

“Don't worry, everyone's friendly.”

Give them information.

Information reduces uncertainty.

Side-by-side helps

Standing in a circle trying to make conversation can feel intense.

Walking beside somebody usually doesn't.

That difference matters.

Side-by-side activity removes constant eye contact.

Allows silence.

Gives conversation obvious breaks.

Creates things to comment on.

This doesn't mean every man prefers activity-based connection.

But it is one reason walking groups, sport, volunteering and shared tasks can work well socially.

The activity gives strangers a bridge.

The bit nobody tells you: the first visit may still be awkward

I don't want to oversell this.

You may turn up and feel awkward.

There might be a minute where you don't know what to say.

You might drive home thinking:

“Not sure yet.”

Good.

That's a normal first experience.

We have become very bad at tolerating mild social discomfort.

Everything is expected to feel immediately right.

Friendship doesn't usually work like that.

Think about colleagues you've eventually become close to.

Did you meet them on Monday and know by lunchtime that you'd be mates for ten years?

Probably not.

Familiarity needed time.

Give a group the same chance.

The Three-Visit Rule™

If a group seems basically decent but you're unsure, I'd use what I call The Three-Visit Rule™.

Visit 1: Information

What is this actually like?

Visit 2: Recognition

Do I know anybody now?

Visit 3: Fit

Do I genuinely want to keep coming?

You don't have to literally attend three times if the first experience is dreadful.

But don't judge the entire idea of group connection solely by how comfortable you felt during your first ten minutes of being new.

What if you're socially anxious?

There is a difference between ordinary first-time nerves and significant social anxiety.

If fear of judgement or social situations is severely limiting your life, professional support may be useful alongside taking practical social steps.

But avoidance tends to preserve fear.

If somebody waits until they feel completely confident before doing something social, they may wait indefinitely.

Small, manageable exposure to social situations can give the brain different evidence.

Not:

“Nothing awkward will ever happen.”

But:

“I can handle a slightly awkward moment.”

That's a much more useful kind of confidence.

What if you're introverted?

Introversion isn't something to fix.

You may genuinely prefer:

small groups;

quieter events;

one-to-one conversation;

less frequent socialising.

Fine.

MoMENtum isn't trying to convert introverts into people who want to dance on tables.

The relevant question is:

Are you getting enough connection for you?

Not enough for somebody else's personality.

What if you go and hate it?

Then you've learnt something.

You've lost an hour.

You've survived considerably worse.

Try something else.

There are walking groups.

Volunteering.

Sports.

Clubs.

Classes.

Different men's groups.

One group not fitting doesn't prove:

“I don't fit anywhere.”

It proves:

“That one wasn't for me.”

Much less dramatic.

How groups can make joining easier

This isn't all on the new member.

Groups have responsibilities too.

A genuinely accessible group should try to:

Explain what will happen

Don't create unnecessary mystery.

Welcome newcomers

Obvious but surprisingly important.

Avoid cliques

Existing friendships are fine.

Ignoring everybody else isn't.

Provide activity

Give people something to do.

Make leaving easy

Nobody wants to feel trapped.

Avoid pressure to disclose

Connection shouldn't require compulsory vulnerability.

Maintain regularity

Familiarity needs repetition.

Those things sound small.

Together they create psychological safety.

Why MoMENtum isn't therapy

This is important because some men hear:

men's group

and imagine chairs in a circle.

MoMENtum isn't counselling.

We don't sit everyone down and require:

“Tell the group how you're feeling today.”

You can if you want to talk about something.

Nobody will object.

But you can also walk.

Eat.

Drink coffee.

Talk nonsense.

The purpose is social connection.

If you need therapy, use therapy.

If what you're missing is people, sometimes starting with people makes more sense.

🌱 One small step this week

Find one group, activity or event you're vaguely interested in.

Then do something slightly different.

Don't ask:

“Will I enjoy this?”

You cannot know.

Ask:

“Can I tolerate turning up once?”

That's a much easier decision.

If the answer is yes, go.

And if it's MoMENtum, your target isn't:

make friends;

be interesting;

fit in instantly.

Your entire job is:

Find us. Say hello. Stay for the event.

We'll take it from there.

Frequently asked questions

Why am I nervous about joining a group?

New groups contain social uncertainty. You don't know the people, expectations or whether you'll fit in. Some anxiety in that situation is normal.

Is it normal to go to a group alone?

Yes. Particularly in social groups designed to help people meet others. If everyone needed an existing friend to attend, the group would defeat its own purpose.

How long does it take to feel comfortable in a new group?

There isn't a fixed timeframe. Familiarity usually increases through repeated contact, which is why attending more than once can make a substantial difference.

What do I say when I arrive?

Start simple. Ask whether someone has been before, how they heard about the event or something about the activity itself. You don't need prepared conversation topics.

What if everyone already knows each other?

Some people may, but that doesn't automatically mean the group is closed. Good groups deliberately welcome newcomers.

What if nobody talks to me?

A properly organised social group should make some effort to welcome and introduce new members. You can also make one small opening yourself rather than waiting for someone else to do all the work.

What if I'm shy?

You don't need to become outgoing. Choose lower-pressure formats such as walks or small groups and give yourself permission to listen as well as talk.

What if I have social anxiety?

If fear of social situations is significantly affecting your life, consider professional support. A group may still provide useful gradual social experience, but it is not a substitute for appropriate therapy where needed.

Are men's groups all about mental health?

No. Men's groups vary enormously. Some are therapeutic or support-focused. Others, including MoMENtum, are primarily social.

Will I have to share personal information?

Not at MoMENtum. Personal conversation can develop naturally, but disclosure isn't a condition of belonging.

What happens at a MoMENtum event?

Events vary, but the focus is generally simple social activity such as walking, coffee or meals. The intention is to make spending time with other men feel ordinary rather than clinical.

What if I decide it's not for me?

That's fine. You're allowed to try something and decide it doesn't suit you. We'd much rather you make that decision based on actually experiencing it than imagining it from home.

The MoMENtum question

Ask yourself:

“Am I genuinely someone who doesn't like groups — or have I just become very good at avoiding being the new person?”

They're different.

Maybe you really don't like groups.

No problem.

Find another way of creating connection.

But perhaps you've spent several years telling yourself:

“Not my thing.”

when what you actually mean is:

“I don't like walking into places where I don't know anybody.”

Most of us don't.

That's why somebody has to make the first visit manageable.

And why you may have to accept ten minutes of discomfort before it gets easier.

You don't have to become confident before you come.

Confidence is usually built from evidence.

Come once.

Discover nobody makes you stand up and introduce yourself to fifty men.

Discover nobody demands your life story.

Have a walk.

Coffee.

A conversation.

Go home.

Then your brain has something real to work with.

Next time you're no longer imagining what might happen.

You know.

And perhaps the bloke you spoke to last time is there again.

Now you're not completely new.

That's how these things start.

You don't need to fit in before you turn up. Turning up is how you find out whether you fit.