Why Rest Feels Harder Than Work (and What to Do About It)

If you’ve ever sat down to “switch off” and immediately felt guilty, restless, or itchy for your phone—this is for you. Many men tell me rest feels harder than work. Not because they don’t want it, but because stopping triggers discomfort: “I should be doing something,” “I’m falling behind,” “Rest is lazy.”

At MoMENtum, we hear this story a lot. Men juggling work, family and life admin who can grind for hours but struggle to give themselves 20 quiet minutes without a task. Rest isn’t a luxury; it’s maintenance. And when we don’t do maintenance, things break.

Why rest is hard for men (and why that’s not your fault)

Identity & conditioning. From a young age, many men absorb the idea that worth = output. If you’re not fixing, producing or providing, it can feel like you’re failing.

Nervous system stuck in “drive.” Constant deadlines, notifications and responsibility keep the body primed for action. When you finally stop, your system doesn’t—so rest feels uncomfortable.

Productivity dopamine. Ticking boxes gives quick wins. Rest has slower returns, so your brain keeps nudging you back to what feels rewarding now.

Guilt & comparison. Seeing everyone “smashing it” online can make downtime feel indulgent, not necessary.

A real-life picture

A 42-year-old project lead—let’s call him Liam—told me: “I can work 10 hours no problem. But the minute I sit down with a brew, my head starts listing what I haven’t done. I last five minutes, then I’m ‘back on’.” He didn’t lack discipline; he’d trained himself to live only in “go mode.”

Rest that actually restores (not just numbs)

There’s a difference between numbing (endless scrolling, another late-night episode) and restorative rest. Psychologists describe different types of rest; you might not need a sofa—you might need a different kind of refuel:

• Physical rest: sleep, naps, stretching, gentle movement.

• Mental rest: monotasking, reduced input, short offline breaks.

• Sensory rest: fewer screens/alerts, quiet, natural light.

• Social rest: time with safe people who don’t need you to perform.

• Emotional rest: spaces you can be honest without judgement.

• Creative rest: nature, music, sea views, art—beauty that resets the mind.

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Quick self-check: When you say you “rested,” did you feel calmer, clearer, or more present afterwards? If not, try a different type.

The 5R framework: how men can make rest doable

1) Recognise (name the blockers).Write down the first thought that appears when you try to stop: “I’ll fall behind,” “This is lazy.” Naming reduces power.

2) Rebalance (reset your nervous system).2 minutes, anywhere: longer exhales (inhale 4, exhale 6–8), a slow neck stretch, look at a distant point (sea/sky/trees). Your body cues your brain that you’re safe.

3) Reclaim boundaries.Pick one: push notifications off after 8pm, one no-meeting lunch per week, or a 20-minute protected break. “Micro-boundaries” beat grand plans you can’t maintain.

4) Ritualise.Attach rest to an existing habit. Example: after the evening wash-up, make a herbal tea and read for 10 minutes. Same time, same place—no decisions needed.

5) Relate (don’t go alone).Rest sticks when it’s social. Join a group walk, a sea dip, or a coffee catch-up. Accountability turns intention into action.

A 7-day “micro-rest” plan (10–20 minutes a day)

• Day 1: Phone-free brew; stare out the window for 10 minutes.

• Day 2: 15-minute walk at lunch; no headphones.

• Day 3: Box breathing before bed (4-4-4-4) for 5 rounds.

• Day 4: Swap doom-scroll for one chapter of a book.

• Day 5: Stretch hips/neck/shoulders for 10 minutes.

• Day 6: Sit by the sea/park for 15 minutes; notice five things you can see.

• Day 7: Coffee with a mate—talk about something real, not just work.

  
  

When stopping makes you anxious

Many men say, “When I slow down, feelings I’ve parked turn up.” That’s normal. Rest often reveals what busyness hides. Try this script: “I feel tightness in my chest and an urge to get up. I’ll stay for two minutes, breathe, and decide again.” If big feelings keep flooding in, therapy can help you build tolerance safely.

If you’re struggling or feel unsafe, speak to your GP. In the UK, Samaritans are available 24/7 on 116 123.

What helps at MoMENtum (Plymouth)

Rest doesn’t have to mean lying still. Our gatherings are low-pressure ways to refill the tank:

• Saturday Coffee Catchups (Pier One): social & emotional rest—no performance needed.

• Fortnightly Saltram Walks: creative & sensory rest—trees, space, steady pace.

• Weekly Sea Swims + Coffee (Hoe): physical & mental reset—short, safe dips, then warmth and a chat.

• Pie & Pint Nights: belonging beats burnout—have a laugh, feel human again.

• Plus lots of other events and activities head to our events page to find out more.

  
  

Join a meet-up.

Stay an hour or more if you like it.

See how you feel. 

Small steps count.

Practical toolkit for this week

• Sleep anchor: wake up at the same time daily (even weekends).

• Light: 5–10 minutes of morning daylight (outside if possible).

• Caffeine cut-off: no coffee after 2pm; swap to water or herbal tea.

• Monotask: set a 25-minute timer; do one thing only; then 5-minute break.

• Micro-check-ins: ask yourself twice a day, “What do I need—movement, water, connection, or quiet?”

FAQs

1) Is rest just laziness by another name?

No. Rest is recovery—without it, performance and patience drop. Laziness avoids effort; rest enables it.

2) I’ve got kids and a full-on job. How do I find time?

Go small and attach it to something you already do—10 minutes after the kids’ bedtime, a phone-free brew, or a short walk at lunch.

3) I feel guilty when I stop. Any tips?

Try reframing: “Rest is part of my job as a dad/partner/leader. I’m better after I recharge.” Start with two minutes and build.

Connection makes rest easier

If you’re in Plymouth and want a simple, space to reset, come to a MoMENtum meet-up.

No pressure to share—listening counts.

• See events & times: /events

• Join free or paid membership: /membership

• New here? Start with a Saturday Coffee Catchup.

  
  

Connection. Action. Belonging. That’s MoMENtum.

Written by: Alan R. StokesFounder, MoMENtum Men’s Group; Director, Horizon Counselling Services.Qualifications: Qualified counsellor & hypnotherapist; registered member BACP; 10,000+ client hours.Focus: men’s mental health, habit change, anxiety, stress, relationships.