When Silence Speaks: What We Avoid Tells a Story
- Alan Stokes
- Dec 9
- 4 min read
Most men don’t shout their struggles. We go quiet. We delay the talk. We say “it’s fine” and change the subject.
Avoiding hard conversations can feel safer in the moment—but silence tells a story. Over time it chips away at trust, connection, and self-esteem. This piece is for men who want to change that story and learn how to speak with more courage, clarity, and respect.
Why we avoid the talk
Common reasons men give:
“I don’t want to make it worse.”
“It won’t come out right.”
“I’ll sound needy / weak.”
“It’s not the right time.”
Underneath is usually one of three fears: conflict, rejection, or shame. Avoidance offers short-term relief but creates long-term cost: resentment, distance, overthinking, and a quieter sense that “I’m not leading my life.”
In practice and groups, we see a pattern called the Avoidance Loop—discomfort → delay → temporary relief → bigger problem → more avoidance. Breaking the loop needs small, planned actions that raise tolerance for discomfort while keeping respect front and centre. This aligns with evidence-informed approaches used in UK services (NICE guidance on anxiety, CBT skills, communication training).
What silence does to relationships and self-esteem
Trust thins: partners feel shut out; mates stop asking.
Stories grow: when you don’t speak, others fill gaps with their own meaning.
Self-respect dips: each avoided talk confirms the belief, “I can’t handle this.”
Stress rises: unspoken worries don’t disappear; they leak out as irritability, alcohol use, or workaholism.
Lived examples:
Dan, 39: avoids money talks with his partner. Three months later, the overdraft is worse and the relationship is colder. When he finally fronted up—with a plan and calm tone—the problem was solvable. The silence wasn’t.
Mike, 33: never tells his manager he’s drowning. He works late, misses the gym, and snaps at home. One 12-minute check-in changed his workload and his sleep. He didn’t need to be superhuman; he needed to be clear.
What conversations are you dodging?
Finances and debt
Health issues (including mental health)
Sex and intimacy
Parenting styles and boundaries
Workload, burnout, or mistakes
Friendship drift or a mate’s drinking
Apologies and repair
Circle two that apply.
Start there.
The “Brave Conversation” Playbook (7 steps)
These steps are designed to be practical, respectful, and evidence-informed (drawing on CBT, motivational interviewing, and conflict-resolution skills commonly recommended by UK professional bodies such as BACP/NICE).
1) Prepare your one line
Keep it simple and own your part.
“I’ve been avoiding this and that’s on me. I want to sort it together.”
2) State the facts before feelings
Facts reduce defensiveness; feelings add honesty.
“We’ve been overdrawn three weeks in a row. I’m stressed about it.”
3) Name what you need (clear, not controlling)
“I need us to agree a weekly spend and a plan for the debt.”
4) Ask, then listen
“How does this land with you?”“What am I missing?”
5) Agree the smallest next step
“Let’s check statements tonight and set a limit for the week.”
6) Time-box and close kindly
“Thanks for sticking with this. Let’s review Sunday.”
7) Follow through
Trust builds when actions match words. Put the next step in your calendar.
Four micro-scripts you can use
To your partner:“Can we have 15 minutes after dinner to talk money? I’m nervous and I don’t want to avoid it anymore.”
To your manager:“I’m at capacity. If I pick up X, Y will slip. Which do you prefer I prioritise?”
To a mate you’re worried about:“I might be off, but you haven’t seemed yourself. Fancy a walk and a brew?”
To repair after you snapped:“I spoke badly earlier. I’m sorry. I’m stressed but that isn’t your fault. Can we try again?”
If the other person gets heated
Slow it down: “I want to hear you—can we take one minute to breathe?”
Reflect back: “You’re saying you felt blindsided. That makes sense.”
Find any agreement: “We both want this to stop happening.”
Set a boundary: “I’ll stay with this, but not if we shout. Let’s pause and pick up at 7.”
What helps you stay steady
Box breathing: 4-in, 4-hold, 4-out, 4-hold for 3 minutes.
Notes, not essays: three bullets only.
Ground rules: no name-calling, no threats.
Environment: seats at an angle, hot drink on the table, phones face-down.
Timing: choose “good enough,” not perfect. Avoid midnight and empty stomachs.
When to get extra help
The topic keeps looping without progress
There’s a power imbalance or ongoing hostility
Substance use is part of the picture
You feel unsafe
Horizon Counselling Services offers structured, confidential support, and we work within UK ethical frameworks. Momentum Men’s Group provides informal connection—coffee, walks, honest chat—so you’re not having these conversations alone.
Action plan for this week
Pick one conversation you’re avoiding.
Write your one-liner and three bullet facts.
Schedule 15 minutes. Tell the person when and why.
Use the playbook. Keep your tone slow and your ask small.
Review on Sunday. What worked? What changes next time?
Small steps, consistently, change your story.
FAQs
Isn’t silence better than a row?
Short term, maybe. Long term, silence breeds resentment and guesswork. Clear, calm conversations reduce conflict over time.
What if I go blank in the moment?
Keep a notecard: one line (aim), three facts, one ask. Breathe. If needed, say, “I’ve lost my thread—give me a minute.”
What if they won’t engage?
You control your clarity and boundaries, not their response. Try again with a smaller ask, choose a better time, or use a mediator/therapist if the issue persists.
Alan StokesFounder, Horizon Counselling Services and Momentum Men’s Group (Plymouth, UK). Mental-health practitioner and trainer delivering men’s wellbeing programmes and Qualsafe-accredited training through Horizon Training. Experience across anxiety, relationships, workplace stress and communication skills. Committed to evidence-informed, practical support aligned with UK guidelines (NICE, NHS).
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