How Do You Deal With Being Kept Away From Your Children When a Relationship Breaks Down?

When contact with your children suddenly stops, it hurts in a place you can’t point to.I’ve sat with dads who feel angry, scared, ashamed—and I’ve been close enough to know how quickly those emotions can take over your day.

This guide is for men in the UK who’ve separated and are struggling to see their children. You’ll find calm, practical steps for your emotions, clear routes for moving contact forward, and ways to protect your relationship with your children—even while things feel stuck.

First things first: your feelings are valid

Separation is a loss. When you’re kept from your children, you experience grief, anger, and fear all at once.

None of that makes you a “bad dad.” It makes you human.

Quick stabilisers (use daily):

• Box breathing 4–4–4–4 for 3 minutes to lower the surge.

• Walk call: call a trusted mate while walking 10 minutes.

• Three-line journal: “What happened / What I felt / What I’ll do next.”

• Eat, hydrate, sleep. Courts, mediators and kids all need your steady version.

  
  

Safety note: if you feel overwhelmed or have thoughts of self-harm, call Samaritans 116 123 (24/7, UK) or 999 in an emergency.

What your child needs right now

Even if you’re not seeing them, there are protective behaviours that strengthen bonds and reduce long-term harm:

• Consistency: keep your routines, job seeking, training, and health going. Stability is attractive to courts and to kids.

• Non-conflict stance: never criticise the other parent to or in front of the child.

• Child-first language: “What would help them feel safe today?”

  
  

Practical routes when contact has stopped (UK-focused)

This section is information, not legal advice—but it will help you prepare and stay organised.

1) Try a brief calm reset and direct ask

Send one short, respectful message (save it in your records):

“I’d like to agree contact that keeps [child’s name] settled. Are you open to discussing a plan this week? I can be flexible.”

Keep tone neutral. Don’t argue by text.

2) Propose a simple Parenting Plan

Offer a starting structure: days/times, handovers, holidays, video calls, special occasions. You can adapt templates from UK charities and mediation services. Solutions beat arguments.

3) Mediation (usually the next step)

A Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) is often required before applying to court (with some exemptions, e.g., domestic abuse). A neutral mediator helps you both explore child-focused options. Arrive with:

• Three workable contact options (good/better/best).

• Your availability and travel limits.

• A calm, brief summary of what’s happened (facts, not blame).

  
  

4) Keep clear records

Maintain a simple Contact Log:

• Dates you requested contact + replies/non-replies

• Any calls/video calls made or missed

• Notes on your child’s wellbeing when you did see them

• Costs, travel, and efforts you made to facilitate contact

This shows consistency and reasonableness if professionals become involved.

5) Court routes (if needed)

If mediation fails or isn’t appropriate, you can apply for a Child Arrangements Order. In many cases Cafcass (the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) may speak to both parents and assess safeguarding concerns. Expect:

• A short safeguarding call/check

• A focus on the child’s best interests, routines, safety, and the level of conflict

• Interim directions (e.g., supported contact, indirect contact) while matters progress

Tip: The tone you use with professionals matters. Be solution-focused, child-focused, and organised.

Keep the bond alive during “no contact”

If direct contact isn’t happening, indirect connection helps:

• Weekly letter or postcard (keep copies), age-appropriate and warm.

• A memory box for your child—photos, drawings, a ticket from a place you’ll visit together soon.

• A book you “read together”: record voice notes of a chapter each week and save them.

• A private email address set up in your child’s name (with strong boundaries) where you send a gentle monthly update. Don’t pressure them to reply.

  
  

These actions are for your child later, as much as for now. They show you stayed present.

Communication scripts (use or adapt)

To the other parent (first ask)

“I’d like us to agree a plan that keeps [child’s name] settled. Could we try alternate weekends and a mid-week tea, with video calls on the other days? I can meet near your home to make handovers easier.”

When things escalate

“I hear you’re worried about [issue]. I’m happy to trial a step-up plan and review in four weeks. What would help you feel more comfortable?”

To a professional (concise and calm)

“I’m seeking consistent, child-focused contact. I’ve proposed three options and kept a log. I’m open to supported or phased contact if needed.”

Looking after you (so you can look after them)

• Limit alcohol and avoid new risky behaviours. These are short-term escapes with long-term costs.

• Strength plan: 3 sessions/week or 30 minutes of brisk walking daily—movement lowers rumination.

• Belonging beats brooding: come to a Momentum Men’s Group coffee morning or walk. Quiet strength grows in community.

• Therapy can shorten the stuck phase: focused work on grief, anger, anxiety, and communication gives you traction when emotions and process collide.

  
  

Common roadblocks—and ways through

“I’m being painted as the problem.”

Stay factual. Offer step-up contact (e.g., supervised → supported → unsupervised) with review points. Keep your log.

“The kids don’t want to see me.”

Children can echo adult stress. Focus on pressure-free, predictable, brief contact to rebuild safety. Professionals look for your patience.

“I’ve sent angry texts.”

Own it, stop it, and reset: “I’m sorry for my tone last week. I won’t message like that again. Here are three options that keep things calm for [child’s name].”

Domestic abuse or safety concerns present?

Your safety—and your child’s—comes first. Seek specialist support (e.g., Respect Men’s Advice Line or local safeguarding services). Court processes differ when risk is identified.

Your 7-day action plan

1. Write a calm one-line message and send it.

2. Draft a Parenting Plan with three options.

3. Set up a Contact Log (notes + screenshots).

4. Book a MIAM if discussions stall.

5. Start one indirect contact routine (postcard/voice note).

6. Join a Momentum meet-up for support.

7. If the load is heavy, book a Horizon counselling session.

Small, steady steps show your child—and the system—the kind of dad you are.

FAQs

Is going to court the only way?

No. Many cases resolve through mediation and clear plans. Court is a back-stop, not the first step, unless there are safety concerns.

What if the other parent won’t respond at all?

Keep messages brief, polite, and spaced out. Maintain your log. After a reasonable period, explore mediation and, if needed, an application for a Child Arrangements Order.

How do I manage the anger?

Use daily breathwork and movement, reduce stimulants, and speak to someone safe. Anger is understandable—but your calm behaviour will protect contact.

Alan Stokes

Founder, Horizon Counselling Services and Momentum Men’s Group (Plymouth, UK). Mental-health practitioner and trainer delivering men’s wellbeing programmes and Qualsafe-accredited training through Horizon Training. Experienced supporting dads through separation, anxiety, and high-conflict communication—working within UK ethical and safeguarding frameworks.