The Hidden Cost of Always Saying “I’m Fine”

We’ve all done it. Someone asks, “How are you doing?” and before we’ve even thought about the question, out comes the automatic reply: “I’m fine.”

It’s quick, safe, and it avoids awkwardness.

But here’s the problem — most of the time, it’s not the truth.

For men especially, this little phrase carries a hidden cost. It keeps us locked in silence, cuts us off from real support, and slowly chips away at our wellbeing. At MoMENtum, I hear it all the time.

In fact, part of the reason I launched the group was because I was tired of hearing men say they were “fine” when clearly something heavier was sitting beneath the surface.

Let’s unpack why “I’m fine” is such a common mask for men, what psychology tells us about this habit, and how breaking it can change everything.

Why Men Default to “I’m Fine”

Culturally, men are taught early to equate strength with silence. From schoolyard banter to workplace pressure, there’s an unspoken rule: don’t show weakness. Over time, this creates what psychologists call emotional suppression — the act of pushing down feelings instead of expressing them.

Research from the Mental Health Foundation shows that men are less likely than women to access therapy or even speak to friends about personal struggles. And yet, the cost of silence is steep: the suicide rate for men in the UK remains three times higher than for women (ONS, 2023).

When we say “I’m fine,” what we’re really saying is: “I don’t want to burden anyone” or “I don’t trust this space is safe enough.” It’s a protective strategy — but it comes at a price.

The Psychology Behind Avoidance

In psychology, this pattern is often described as avoidance coping. Instead of tackling stress, anxiety, or loneliness head-on, we distract ourselves or shut down the conversation. It feels easier in the short term, but it leads to:

• Increased stress (because unspoken problems don’t disappear).

• Strained relationships (because people sense distance or detachment).

• Health impacts (higher blood pressure, sleep disruption, lower resilience).

  
  

Another layer is masculinity norms. Studies highlight how traditional ideas of being “the provider” or “the strong one” leave many men believing their role is to cope silently. But the truth? None of us are built to carry everything alone.

A Personal Note

When I first imagined MoMENtum, it wasn’t from a marketing plan. It came from my own lived experience as a man, a therapist, and a human being who noticed how many blokes around me felt isolated. I’d have chats with men who seemed upbeat on the outside, but five minutes later, they’d quietly admit to struggling.

What I realised was simple: men need spaces where “I’m fine” isn’t the default answer. Where it’s okay to laugh, share, or even say nothing — but know you’re not alone.

What Happens When You Drop the Mask

Breaking the habit of “I’m fine” doesn’t mean unloading every detail of your life onto the first person who asks. It means testing what happens when you’re a little more honest. Instead of “I’m fine,” you could try:

• “It’s been a tough week, but I’m getting through it.”

• “Actually, I’m feeling a bit off today.”

• “Not too bad, but I could use a bit of fresh air.”

These small shifts create connection opportunities. They signal to others that you’re open to real conversation. And here’s the kicker: when one man opens up, it often gives another permission to do the same.

That’s the ripple effect MoMENtum is built on.

MoMENtum in Action

On 2nd October, we launched MoMENtum at the Waterfront pub with a Pie & Pint Night. The turnout blew me away — a group of men from different walks of life, sharing food, banter, and connection. Nobody had to perform. Nobody had to be “fine.”

That’s just the start.

Each month, we’re building spaces for men to connect: Here are just some in the programme of events.

🍺 Pie & Pint Nights – monthly Thursdays at the Waterfront.

☕ Saturday Coffee Catchups – every week at Pier One.

🚶 Fortnightly Walks – Saltram House on Sundays.

🍳 Monthly Fry-Ups – Tuesday mornings.

🌊 Weekly Sea Swims + Coffee – Thursday mornings.

Find all our events here Events | Momentum

These events aren’t therapy sessions. They’re opportunities to build friendships, share laughs, and quietly remind yourself that you don’t have to carry everything on your own.

And here’s the thing: missing out means missing those small, unexpected moments of connection that can genuinely shift how you feel.

3 Tips to Break the “I’m Fine” Cycle

1. Check in with yourself daily

   
   

   Instead of brushing past, ask yourself: How am I really doing today? Journalling or a quiet walk can help you notice patterns.

2. Practise honest micro-responses

   
   

   Next time someone asks, give a slightly more truthful answer. It doesn’t have to be deep — just real.

3. Put yourself in spaces where connection happens naturally

   
   

   Join groups, say yes to walks, or grab that coffee. The less formal the setting, the easier it becomes to speak freely.

   
   

The Bigger Picture: Why This Matters

According to recent surveys, 1 in 4 adults in the South West report feeling lonely regularly. For men, admitting loneliness can feel even harder. That silence, multiplied across workplaces, families, and communities, is what fuels disconnection.

When men say “I’m fine” too often, they’re not just protecting themselves — they’re missing out on friendships, laughter, and support networks that keep us resilient.

That’s why MoMENtum exists.

FAQs

1. Why do men often say “I’m fine” when they’re not?Because of cultural and social pressures, men often suppress emotions to avoid appearing weak. It’s a protective habit, but it can lead to loneliness and stress.

2. What happens if I keep bottling things up?Long-term suppression can impact relationships, physical health, and mental wellbeing. It increases stress and reduces resilience.

3. How can MoMENtum help?MoMENtum provides friendly, activity-based meetups for men 30+ in Plymouth. It’s a place to connect, build friendships, and feel supported without pressure.

Final Thoughts

“I’m fine” is easy. But easy doesn’t always mean healthy. The hidden cost is real: isolation, stress, and missed chances for connection.

At MoMENtum, we’re building something different. Spaces where men can turn up, be themselves, and feel like they belong. No pressure. No pretence.

👉 Join us at our next event — whether it’s a sea swim, a coffee, or a pint. Take one step beyond “I’m fine” and see where it leads.

Written by Alan Stokes Founder of MoMENtum Men’s Group & Director of Horizon Counselling Services. Diploma in Therapeutic Counselling | Diploma in Solution-Focused Hypnotherapy | Specialist in men’s mental health, resilience, and wellbeing.

Connection. Action. Belonging. That’s the MoMENtum way.