Shame – the Silent Pain We Carry

The “never good enough” feeling

Shame is the emotion that whispers, “You’re not enough.” It shapes our inner commentary and nudges us to doubt our worth:

• Who do you think you are?

• You’ll never measure up.

• Lazy. Weak. Not enough.

  
  

I’ve heard those voices myself, and I hear them in clients every week. Shame isn’t a passing feeling; it can take root. It shows up in our relationships, at work, in how we rest (or can’t rest), and in how we push ourselves until we break.

Why shame hurts like a wound (the neuroscience)

Modern neuroscience shows that the pain of shame and rejection is not “just in your head”. Research led by Naomi Eisenberger at UCLA found that social rejection activates some of the same brain regions involved in physical pain. No wonder shame can feel so sharp and lingering: your brain and body respond as if you’ve been hurt.

Shame can trigger fight–or–flight–freeze responses, muscle tension, and sleep disturbance. Recognising that these reactions are biological—not personal failings—can make them easier to manage.

How shame hides in everyday life

Shame isn’t only tied to big, dramatic moments. It often slips into small, ordinary ones:

• Saying no to plans and worrying you’ll be judged.

• Resting because your body needs it, then hearing lazy.

• Navigating illness or low mood and feeling you’ve “failed”.

• Trying something new and hearing, Who do you think you are?

Shame insists not that we did something wrong (that’s guilt), but that we are wrong. That belief is corrosive—and untrue.

Guilt, embarrassment, humiliation… and the core emotion underneath

We rarely say, “I feel shame.” It’s raw and exposing. More often we say:

• Guilt – I did something wrong.

• Embarrassment – They saw me fail.

• Humiliation – They made me feel small.

Different words, same root. Under each is the fear of being unworthy of love and belonging—a definition popularised by Dr Brené Brown, whose work on shame and vulnerability has helped many people name what they’re feeling.

How shame strains relationships

Shame thrives in relationships because it tells us to protect ourselves at all costs:

• We withdraw to avoid rejection.

• We become defensive because we already feel “not enough”.

• We push others away before they can push us.

The cruel twist is that shame convinces us we don’t deserve the very connection that would help us heal.

A personal reflection

In my own life, I’ve pushed past warning signs because I believed rest meant weakness. I carried the message that I wasn’t enough unless I kept achieving. It left me running on empty and more distant from the people who mattered.

The turning point came when I named it: this is shame. Saying the word out loud loosened its grip. From there, practical steps—small conversations, gentler self-talk, and better boundaries—made change possible.

The way forward: practical steps that help

Shame is universal. The task isn’t to erase it, but to change our relationship with it.

1. Name it. When the voice says, “not good enough”, call it what it is: shame.

2. Challenge it. Ask, whose voice is this? Is it accurate? What evidence do I have?

3. Share it. Speak to a trusted person or a qualified counsellor. What’s spoken can be supported.

4. Practise self-compassion. It’s not indulgence; it’s the antidote to shame’s harshness.

5. Reconnect with your body. Breathing exercises, gentle movement, and regular rest regulate the nervous system.

6. Set small relational risks. Try one honest conversation. Vulnerability grows with practice.

7. Boundaries, not burnout. Replace “do more” with “do what matters”. Boundaries protect your energy and your relationships.

   
   

If you’re struggling now: Consider contacting your GP or speaking to a qualified therapist. If you feel unsafe, call 999 or reach out to Samaritans (116 123) for immediate support in the UK.

Bringing shame into the light

Shame thrives in the dark. When we give it language and support, it shrinks. You are not the sum of your worst thoughts. You are worthy of care, connection, and rest—without having to earn them.

If this resonates, take one step today: name it, share it, or rest—on purpose.

About the Author: Alan R. Stokes is a qualified counsellor and hypnotherapist with over a decade of experience and 10,000+ client hours. As Director of Horizon Counselling Services in Plymouth, he supports individuals, couples, and businesses with accessible, professional mental health care.