How Modern Life Trains Us to Ignore Our Own Needs

The Silent Training We All Receive: Reclaiming Our Needs

Most of us don’t remember when it began. Maybe it was at school, when the phrase “man up” echoed in the locker room. Or perhaps it was later, sitting in an office where staying late was quietly rewarded more than leaving on time to rest. Over the years, men are often trained — not explicitly, but through culture, work, and expectations — to downplay their own needs. Sleep can wait. Stress is just part of the job. Family comes first, but only if you keep working harder.

The truth is, modern life is relentless. Work demands, technology that never switches off, financial pressure, social expectations, and the quiet belief that men must carry it all without complaint — these forces shape us daily. But when we’re taught to ignore our needs, the cost builds up. And it’s costing more than we realise.

Why Men Ignore Their Own Needs

1. Work and Career Pressures

Modern workplaces often celebrate the “always-on” mentality. Long hours, answering emails at midnight, and skipping breaks all look like dedication. But they come at a price. Research from the Health and Safety Executive shows that men aged 25–54 are at the highest risk of work-related stress, depression, and anxiety in the UK. Ignoring needs at work might feel like strength, but in reality, it drains resilience and reduces long-term performance.

2. Technology and Constant Connection

Phones, laptops, and endless notifications mean many of us never switch off. While technology keeps us connected, it also blurs the line between work and rest. Men often use screens as an escape — late-night scrolling, binge-watching, or gaming — instead of dealing with fatigue or loneliness. It feels harmless, but the lack of true rest feeds exhaustion and distances us from real human connection.

3. Family and Social Expectations

Men in their 30s, 40s, and 50s often juggle multiple roles: provider, partner, father, son, colleague. Each role carries unspoken expectations. For some, it’s the belief that being a good dad means sacrificing everything. For others, it’s keeping quiet about struggles to avoid worrying loved ones. But burying needs in the name of responsibility doesn’t make them disappear. It just makes the burden heavier.

4. Masculinity and Culture

From a young age, men are taught that strength means silence. That showing vulnerability risks respect. That admitting you’re tired, low, or overwhelmed makes you “less of a man.” These cultural narratives are powerful, even if we don’t consciously believe them. The result? Men carry stress privately, bottle up emotions, and often wait until a crisis to seek help.

The Hidden Cost of Ignoring Needs

Ignoring needs doesn’t just hurt the individual — it ripples into every part of life.

• Mental Health Decline: Men are three times more likely to die by suicide than women in the UK (ONS, 2023). One of the biggest risk factors? Struggling alone.

• Physical Health: Lack of sleep, poor diet, and stress contribute to heart disease, high blood pressure, and lower life expectancy.

• Relationships: When needs are ignored, irritability and withdrawal often replace connection. Family life suffers. Friendships fade.

• Identity and Purpose: Constantly giving without refuelling eventually leaves men asking, who am I beyond my responsibilities?

  
  

What Can We Do About It?

Here’s the good news: the “training” can be undone. Just like we learned to ignore our needs, we can relearn how to listen to them.

1. Reframe Rest

Rest isn’t laziness — it’s maintenance. Just like you wouldn’t run a car without fuel, you can’t perform without rest. Set boundaries with work emails. Protect sleep like an appointment you can’t miss.

2. Reconnect with Others

Isolation feeds the cycle of ignoring needs. Having conversations with other men who “get it” breaks the silence. Whether it’s a coffee catch-up, a walk, or a swim, shared time reminds us that we’re not alone.

3. Start Small

You don’t have to overhaul life overnight. Start by checking in daily: How’s my sleep? Am I eating properly? Do I feel connected? Small awareness leads to small changes, and small changes build momentum.

Why MoMENtum Exists

That’s why we created MoMENtum. It’s not about pressure or performance. It’s about showing up as you are. We’ve seen men who arrived at their first event quiet, guarded, even sceptical — and leave with a smile, having made real connections. Our first Pie & Pint Night at the Waterfront proved that men are hungry (literally and figuratively) for spaces where they can relax, laugh, and just be themselves. Since then, weekly coffee meetups, sea swims, walks, and fry-ups have given men chances to connect without expectation.

The benefit? Men realise their needs — for rest, connection, and belonging — are valid. And when they’re met, everything else feels a little easier.

Practical Tips to Reclaim Your Needs

• Sleep check-in: Aim for 7–8 hours most nights. Notice how mood and focus improve.

• Digital switch-off: Pick one evening a week where the phone stays out of reach after 8pm.

• Movement as medicine: A walk, swim, or even light exercise boosts energy more than another coffee.

• Talk it out: Try saying to a mate, “Honestly, I’m knackered” instead of “I’m fine.” See how it feels.

  
  

Insights & Statistics

• Loneliness: 1 in 4 adults in the South West report feeling lonely regularly. For men, the stigma of admitting it makes it harder to address.

• Help-seeking: Men are far less likely to access therapy than women, despite facing higher suicide rates (ONS, 2023).

• Workplace stress: 914,000 UK workers suffered from work-related stress, depression, or anxiety in 2021/22 (HSE). Men aged 25–54 remain among the most affected groups.

  
  

These aren’t just numbers — they represent dads, brothers, partners, and friends. The men we sit beside at work. The men we meet at the pub. The men who walk past us every day.

Final Thoughts

Modern life has trained us to ignore our needs, but training can be unlearned. Every time a man admits he’s tired, joins a walk, or makes space for himself, he pushes back against the silent pressure. MoMENtum is here as a reminder: you don’t have to carry it all alone. Connection, action, and belonging are powerful antidotes to a world that tells you to keep going until you break.

Author Bio

Alan R. Stokes

Founder of MoMENtum & Director of Horizon Counselling Services

• Diploma in Therapeutic Counselling

• Diploma in Solution-Focused Hypnotherapy

• Specialist training in PTSD, Mindfulness, Neuroscience, Anger Management, Anxiety, and Couples Therapy

• Member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP)

  
  

Alan has spent over a decade supporting men’s wellbeing in the South West, blending professional expertise with lived experience to create safe, practical spaces for men to thrive.

FAQs

Q1: Why do men struggle to admit their needs?

Cultural messages about masculinity often equate vulnerability with weakness. This stops men from seeking help until things become overwhelming.

Q2: How can I start making changes without overhauling everything?

Begin small — focus on one area like sleep or connection. Even small improvements can break the cycle of ignoring your needs.

Q3: Do I need to be struggling to join MoMENtum?

Not at all. Many men join simply to meet others, try new activities, and enjoy themselves. It’s about prevention as much as support.

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