Are You Lonely? The Feeling We Don’t Talk About
- Alan Stokes
- Oct 31
- 4 min read
The question we rarely say out loud
Are you lonely? It’s not easy to ask—or answer. Loneliness hides well. It can look like tiredness, feel like stress, and show up as anxiety or a dull sense of disconnection. Many people don’t recognise it until it’s already taking hold. And even then, admitting it feels exposing. Society still treats loneliness as a personal failing. It isn’t.
Loneliness isn’t a flaw. It’s a signal. Just as hunger tells us we need food, loneliness tells us we need connection.
Experience: what loneliness looked like for me
I launched MoMENtum Men’s Group after wrestling with my own isolation. I’ve felt alone in crowded rooms, at busy events, and even within professional networks. I know the psychology; I understand the patterns—yet I still found myself cancelling plans, running out of energy for conversation, and drifting away from people. That cycle—avoid, withdraw, repeat—feeds loneliness. I’m not the only one.
What loneliness is (and isn’t)
Loneliness: the painful gap between the connection you have and the connection you need.
Solitude: being alone by choice—and feeling fine with it.
Depression: may include loneliness, but also persistent low mood, loss of interest, changes in sleep/appetite. (If that resonates, consider speaking to a GP or qualified therapist.)
Why this matters: UK public-health guidance recognises loneliness as a risk factor for mental and physical health. Research links persistent loneliness with higher stress, sleep disturbance, cardiovascular risk and reduced well-being. Treat the signal; don’t ignore it.
Common signs of loneliness (so you can spot it)
You feel disconnected even around people.
You cancel more plans than you keep.
You default to “I’m fine” when you’re not.
Sleep is restless; motivation dips.
You feel irritable or anxious and can’t place why.
You scroll more, but message less.
The hidden costs of isolation
Loneliness isn’t “just a feeling”. Prolonged disconnection is associated with:
Higher stress and inflammation (harder on the heart and immune system).
Increased anxiety and low mood.
Poorer sleep quality and daytime fatigue.
Shorter life expectancy in cohort studies (often compared with other major risk factors).
You don’t need dozens of friends. A few good bonds—and a reliable place to belong—make a measurable difference.
Why admitting loneliness feels so hard
Stigma & masculinity norms: “Handle it yourself,” “don’t make a fuss,” “be the strong one.”
Language of work: we praise “performance” and “self-starter,” not “belonging” and “mutual support.”
Energy economics: when you feel flat, the first step (going out, speaking up) feels impossible—so the cycle continues.
Reframe: loneliness is a signal, not a verdict on your worth.
Barriers—and how to move through them (reframe + action)
“I won’t know anyone.”
Reframe: You don’t need to.
Action: aim to meet one person; prepare one opener: “What brought you along today?”
“I don’t have time.”
Reframe: connection is preventive healthcare.
Action: go for 60 minutes; you can leave whenever you like.
“Groups make me anxious.”
Reframe: many others feel the same.
Action: arrive early while it’s quiet; set a goal to speak to one person.
“It won’t be relevant.”
Reframe: relevance grows with participation.
Action: ask yourself, “What one thing can I take from this?”
“I never know what to say.”
Reframe: curiosity is enough.
Action: keep two questions handy: “How did you hear about this?” / “What do you enjoy about this community?”
A 7-day connection reset (small steps, big gains)
Day 1 – Notice: track moments you feel disconnected (no judgement).
Day 2 – Reach: send one message to someone you like but haven’t seen.
Day 4 – Say yes (for an hour): attend one group or coffee; you can leave after 60 minutes.
Day 5 – Ask a better question: meet someone and ask, “What’s been good this week?”
Day 6 – Plan the next touchpoint: book the next meet before you part.
Day 7 – Review: what helped? Keep one habit for the next month.
Frequently Asked Questions
1) Is loneliness the same as being alone?No. You can be alone and feel fine (solitude), or be surrounded by people and feel lonely. Loneliness is the gap between the connection you need and the connection you have.
2) How can I reduce loneliness if I feel too anxious to socialise? Start small: arrive early to quieter events, aim to speak to one person, and leave after an hour if you wish. Text a friend first. Consistent, low-pressure contact beats occasional big efforts.
3) Do men experience loneliness differently? Many men are socialised to “handle it alone,” which discourages help-seeking and deep conversation. Structured spaces like men’s groups can lower the bar to entry and make honest connections easier.
Why groups like MoMENtum help (and what actually happens)
You realise you’re not alone. Hearing someone name your struggle lightens the load.
You gain accountability. When people notice if you’re missing, showing up gets easier.
You find shared purpose. From walks to meals to good conversation—doing things together makes connection sticky.
You learn new strategies. Different perspectives = practical coping tools.
You rediscover belonging. Tribe is not a cliché; it’s a human need.
MoMENtum Men’s Group exists for exactly this: honest conversation, practical accountability, and a rhythm that makes connection part of your week—not another task.
If you feel unsafe or in crisis: contact Samaritans (116 123) or 999 in an emergency (UK).
A direct invitation
This week, ask yourself honestly: Am I lonely? If the answer is yes, take one step: a call, a coffee, a group visit. Don’t wait to “feel ready”—readiness follows action.
If you’re local and want a space that’s real rather than performative, MoMENtum is here. Come once. Stay an hour. See how you feel.
Author Bio
About the author, Alan R. Stokes is Director of Horizon Counselling Services and founder of MoMENtum Men’s Group. A qualified counsellor and hypnotherapist with 10,000+ client hours, he’s a registered member of BACP and helps men build connection, resilience, and wellbeing.
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