Embracing Vulnerability: A Path to Connection and Growth

Vulnerability is not weakness

Let’s clear something up straight away: vulnerability is not weakness. Dr Brené Brown, a researcher who has spent decades studying shame and vulnerability, defines it as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” It could mean saying “I love you” first, admitting you don’t know the answer, or raising a difficult subject you’d rather avoid.

The myth is that vulnerability makes us fragile. In reality, it’s the birthplace of courage, trust, and meaningful relationships. You can’t have intimacy without it. You can’t grow without risking it. And importantly, vulnerability doesn’t mean oversharing or pouring your heart out to everyone. It means showing up authentically, even when you can’t predict the outcome.

Why We Struggle with Vulnerability

For many of us, the story starts in childhood. We learned early protection strategies:

• Staying quiet to avoid conflict.

• Hiding feelings to prevent rejection.

• Overachieving to gain approval.

  
  

Psychology offers a framework for this. Those with avoidant attachment styles often grew up learning that expressing needs led to disappointment. As adults, they may downplay feelings or keep intimacy at arm’s length. Others, shaped by rejection or criticism, become hypersensitive to judgment and avoid situations that could expose them.

The data backs this up. A VitalSmarts survey found 70% of people admitted to avoiding difficult conversations at work out of fear of conflict. In relationships, avoidance is even more common. Studies show couples who avoid vulnerable conversations are more likely to feel disconnected and dissatisfied.

From my own experience, silence felt like protection. But it became its own rejection of myself and of those who wanted to know me more fully.

How Avoidance Shows Up Day to Day

Avoiding vulnerability doesn’t usually look dramatic. It often appears in subtle ways:

• Dodging conflict: Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not.

• Surface talk: Discussing everything except the real issue.

• Perfectionism: Working harder to avoid emotional honesty.

• Withdrawal: Shutting down when you feel exposed.

• People-pleasing: Agreeing to things you don’t want to keep others happy.

  
  

I’ve done all of these. In relationships, I avoided telling partners when I was hurt. I thought feelings would “pass.” They didn’t. Unspoken needs built up into tension and eventually cracks I couldn’t repair.

Research confirms this pattern. People who habitually avoid conflict experience higher stress, lower relationship satisfaction, and greater loneliness. Avoidance brings short-term relief but long-term damage.

The Cost of Avoiding Vulnerability

The price of avoidance is high:

• Disconnection: If you never reveal who you are, people only connect with the mask.

• Stress and anxiety: Suppressed feelings increase internal pressure and spill out in irritability, insomnia, or even physical symptoms.

• Missed opportunities: Avoiding difficult conversations closes doors to deeper relationships and professional growth.

• Resentment: Needs don’t vanish; they ferment.

  
  

In my own life, silence eroded trust. What I thought kept things calm actually built walls. And eventually, those walls collapsed.

Why Does It Feel So Uncomfortable?

Here’s the paradox: our brains are wired for safety and connection. Vulnerability activates both. On one hand, sharing feelings risks rejection — the brain registers this as danger. On the other hand, it’s the only way to create intimacy and belonging, which we also crave. That tug-of-war explains why vulnerability feels so unsettling.

Our default response? Avoidance. We procrastinate on conversations, change the subject, or bury ourselves in work. It feels easier in the moment. But it keeps us stuck.

How to Begin Embracing Vulnerability

The good news is that vulnerability is a skill. Like any skill, it can be practised and strengthened.

1. Start small: Practise in safe spaces. Share a small preference (“Actually, I’d prefer Italian tonight”). Small acts build confidence.

2. Name your feelings: Say or write, “I feel anxious” or “I feel hopeful.” Naming gives clarity.

3. Use “I” statements: Instead of blame (“You never listen”), say “I feel hurt when I’m not heard.” It keeps the focus on your experience.

4. Expect discomfort: A racing heart or tight chest doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human. Keep going.

5. Reframe it as courage: Vulnerability is not weakness. Brené Brown’s research shows people who embrace it report greater creativity, belonging, and resilience.

6. Reflect afterwards: Notice how others respond. More often than not, honesty invites more care than you feared.

   
   

Looking Forward: Building Healthier Patterns

Vulnerability isn’t a one-off act; it’s a lifelong practice. Therapy can help if your patterns run deep from childhood. Journaling can bring clarity. Supportive groups like MoMENtum Men’s Group provide safe spaces to practise honesty with other men who understand.

In my own journey, learning to be vulnerable didn’t make life easier — but it made it real. It helped me connect more deeply and live more authentically.

So I’ll leave you with this: Where are you avoiding vulnerability right now? And what might open up if you faced it instead?

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Is vulnerability the same as weakness?

No. Vulnerability is not weakness. It’s the courage to show up authentically, even when you can’t control the outcome. Research shows vulnerability is essential for building trust, intimacy, and resilience.

2. How can I start practising vulnerability safely?

Start small. Share something minor you usually hide, use “I feel” statements, or express a simple preference. Practising in safe spaces builds confidence for bigger conversations later.

3. Why do men often struggle with vulnerability?

Many men are taught from childhood to hide emotions, avoid conflict, and “man up.” These patterns can make openness feel risky. But avoiding vulnerability leads to isolation, stress, and weaker relationships.

Author Bio

About the author: Alan R. Stokes is a qualified counsellor and hypnotherapist with over 10,000 client hours. Director of Horizon Counselling Services and founder of MoMENtum Men’s Group, he is a registered member of the BACP, helping men build resilience, connection, and wellbeing.