The Mask of Perfection: Breaking Free from the Burden

Alan Stokes
Oct 24
4 min read

Updated: Nov 3

I used to believe that being perfect kept me safe. As a child, I learned that if I got things right, stayed agreeable, and anticipated problems, I could dodge hurt and disappointment. Perfection became my armour. For a while, it worked. On the outside, I looked calm and capable. On the inside, I was exhausted. The more I tried to appear faultless, the more I lost touch with my own voice, feelings, and needs.

If you recognise this, you’re not alone. Perfectionism is rising sharply across the UK and beyond. Let’s explore what it really is, how it shows up, the cost it carries—and most importantly, how to change it.

What Perfectionism Really Is (and Isn’t)

Perfectionism often gets confused with striving for excellence. But they’re not the same.

Excellence is about learning, growth, and high standards that stretch you.
Perfectionism is about fear—fear of being judged, blamed, or seen as flawed.

Researcher Brené Brown describes it as a “defensive move.” I often explain it to clients as:

Perfectionism = worth tied to performance + fear of flaws being exposed.

The problem is that when worth is tied to performance, every success feels temporary, and every mistake feels devastating.

How Perfectionism Shows Up Day to Day

Perfectionism isn’t just about tidy handwriting or colour-coded planners. It’s subtler, and it creeps into everyday life:

Procrastination as preparation – waiting for the perfect moment, so the task never starts.
Overworking – spending two hours editing a five-minute email.
All-or-nothing routines – if I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t do it at all.
Approval scanning – focusing on “what will they think?” instead of “what do I value?”
People-pleasing – being the strong one or the fixer, even at the expense of your own needs.
Invisible rules – “I must reply instantly.” “I must never cancel.” Rules you never chose now run your life.

If three or more resonate, you’re not alone. Most high achievers tick the lot.

Why Does the Pressure Feel Heavier Now?

Perfectionism isn’t just a personal trait. It’s cultural. A large meta-analysis (Curran & Hill, 2017) shows that multidimensional perfectionism has significantly increased since the late 1980s in the UK, US, and Canada. Social media, constant comparison, and economic pressures amplify the “never enough” narrative.

And it’s not harmless. Systematic reviews (Callaghan et al., 2024) show that perfectionistic concerns—fear of mistakes, harsh self-criticism, and worry about others’ evaluations—are strongly linked to anxiety and depression.

The Hidden Cost of the Shield

When perfectionism runs the show, the side effects are real:

Chronic fatigue – your nervous system never rests.
Life paralysis – opportunities slip away because risk feels unbearable.
Narrowed identity – you become “the achiever” or “the fixer” and forget you’re also allowed to be playful and imperfect.
Fragile confidence – wins don’t stick; the bar just resets.
Loneliness – people see the polished mask, not the real you.

Perfectionism is a smart strategy for survival—but it’s heavy armour for everyday life.

From “What Will They Think?” to “What Do I Value?”

The turning point comes when we shift from external approval to internal values.

Old question: “How do I do this perfectly so nobody can criticise me?”

New question: “What would this look like if I acted from my values—even if it isn’t perfect?”

Values like care, courage, honesty, or growth can act as your compass. Write your top three values on a sticky note. Keep them where you’ll see them.

Tools That Actually Help

Here are practical, evidence-based tools to ease the grip of perfectionism:

A) Self-Compassion

Research by Dr Kristin Neff shows self-compassion reduces perfectionism and increases resilience.

Quick practice:

Notice: “This is hard. I feel anxious.”
Common humanity: “Everyone struggles with this.”
Kindness: “What would I say to a friend?” Say it to yourself.

B) CBT for Perfectionism

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) has strong evidence for reducing perfectionism (Shafran et al., 2023).

DIY version:

Rule audit: List your “musts.” Replace them with flexible versions.
Experiment: Send the email at 90%. Notice what happens.

C) Process Over Outcome

Swap “Deliver the perfect presentation” for “Practise 30 minutes, refine 15 minutes.” Focus on what you can control.

D) The Five-Minute Wedge

Start for five minutes. Often you’ll keep going, but even if you don’t—you’ve honoured the commitment.

E) The Good-Enough Bar

Pick areas where “B+ is brilliant.” Social posts, admin, or housework. Save A-energy for what matters most.

F) Boundaries Around Comparison

Unfollow accounts that fuel “never enough.” Batch notifications. Protect your mental space.

A One-Week Reset

Here’s a structure you can try:

Day 1 – Notice: Tally perfectionist urges.
Day 2 – Choose values: Write three and post them somewhere visible.
Day 3 – Good-enough experiment: Complete one task at 80–90%.
Day 4 – Compassion break: Practise the 3-step script.
Day 5 – Process goals only: Time-box your tasks.
Day 6 – Boundaries: Turn off notifications for three hours.
Day 7 – Review: What helped? What surprised you? Choose one habit to keep.

The Invitation

I still feel the old armour tugging when life feels uncertain. But I’ve learned that bravery isn’t about flawless performance—it’s about being seen as you are.

If you’re tired of carrying the perfect shield, maybe it’s time to put it down. Therapy, coaching, or communities like MoMENtum Men’s Group can help you practise vulnerability and build resilience. Courage doesn’t come from flawlessness. It comes from being human.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Is perfectionism ever a good thing?

Striving for excellence can be positive, but perfectionism is fear-based. It ties your worth to flawless outcomes and fuels stress, anxiety, and burnout.

2. How do I know if I’m a perfectionist?

Signs include procrastination, overworking, people-pleasing, and avoiding feedback. If small mistakes feel unbearable, perfectionism may be at play.

3. What helps reduce perfectionism?

Evidence-based tools include self-compassion, CBT, and shifting focus to values. Small, consistent experiments—like finishing at “good enough”—help retrain your brain.

Author Bio

About the author: Alan R. Stokes is Director of Horizon Counselling Services and founder of MoMENtum Men’s Group. A qualified counsellor and hypnotherapist with over 10,000 client hours, he is a registered member of the BACP, helping men and businesses build resilience, connection, and wellbeing.