Men, Shame, and the “Not Good Enough” Trap

The Voice That Never Stops

For many men, shame isn’t a word we use out loud — but it’s a feeling we know all too well. It’s that voice in your head that whispers:

• “You’re not good enough.”

• “You should be doing more.”

• “Resting makes you lazy.”

• “Who do you think you are?”

  
  

I’ve heard that voice myself. For years, I believed if I worked harder, achieved more, or kept pushing, it might finally quieten. But shame doesn’t disappear by out-performing it. In fact, the more you chase approval, the louder it often becomes.

What Psychology Tells Us About Shame

Psychologist Dr. Brené Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

This isn’t just theory. Shame sits at the root of many struggles men face: burnout, emotional distance, and even relationship breakdowns.

Why Shame Hurts Like a Wound

Neuroscience shows us something powerful: the pain of shame and rejection is more than “in your head.” Researcher Naomi Eisenberger at UCLA found that social rejection lights up the same brain regions as physical pain.

That’s why criticism, failure, or the sense of not measuring up can cut as deeply as a physical injury.

And for men, that pain is often buried. Cultural messages tell us to “man up” or “deal with it.” But silence doesn’t heal shame. It feeds it.

Why Men Hide Their Struggles

Men are statistically less likely than women to seek support for mental health. Studies consistently show the influence of stigma, fear of judgment, and masculine norms around toughness. Common beliefs include:

• “If I reach out, I’ll look weak.”

• “If I admit I’m struggling, I’ll lose respect.”

• “If I talk about what’s really going on, I’ll be pushed away.”

Sociologist Will Courtenay describes how cultural expectations of masculinity teach men to deny pain, avoid vulnerability, and reject help — all of which reinforce shame and isolation.

A Personal Reflection

I know this pattern first-hand. I pushed myself until I broke. I ignored warning signs and silenced the voice that said, “slow down.” I believed rest was weakness, and that I was only enough if I kept achieving.

It cost me — in relationships, in health, and in energy. Shame always collects payment.

The turning point came when I named it. When I admitted: this is shame, not truth. Speaking it aloud loosened its grip.

That’s part of why I created MoMENtum — a space for men to face things together, instead of in silence.

How Shame Affects Relationships

Shame doesn’t stay locked in your mind. It seeps into relationships:

• You withdraw because you fear rejection.

• You get defensive when criticised because shame tells you you’re not enough.

• You push people away before they can push you.

The cruel twist is that shame convinces you, you don’t deserve the very connection that could help you heal.

Breaking the Cycle: Practical Steps

Shame isn’t the same as guilt. Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “I am wrong.” That belief is toxic — but it can be challenged.

Here are five steps you can start with:

1. Name it – when the voice says “you’re not good enough,” call it what it is: shame.

2. Challenge it – ask: “Is this really true? Whose voice is this?”

3. Share it – talk with a trusted friend, counsellor, or group. Speaking it breaks its power.

4. Take small risks – practise opening up, one step at a time.

5. Reconnect with your body – movement, breathing, and rest are acts of reclaiming care without shame.

   
   

   

An Invitation

If any of this feels familiar, you are not alone. Every man carries shame. The question is whether we let it rule us — or whether we face it.

Another reason why I created MoMENtum: a community where men can drop the mask and step into conversations that matter. Together, shame loses its grip.

You don’t have to face this alone. Sometimes change begins with one honest conversation.

About the Author Alan R. Stokes is a qualified counsellor and hypnotherapist with over a decade of experience and 10,000+ client hours. As Director of Momentum mens group and Horizon Counselling Services in Plymouth, he supports individuals, couples, and businesses with accessible, professional mental health care.