When Talking Isn’t Enough: Why Counselling Can Feel Stuck for Men — and What Actually Helps

A lot of men try counselling only after things have built up for a long time.

They’re not looking to talk endlessly. They’re not trying to analyse their childhood for years.

They just want things to feel different — calmer, clearer, more manageable.

And yet, some men come away thinking:

• “I understand myself better… but nothing’s changed.”

• “We keep talking about the same stuff.”

• “I feel heard, but I’m still stuck.”

• “I don’t want to sit and talk forever — I want to move forward.”

At MoMENtum Men’s Group, this comes up a lot — often quietly, sometimes with frustration.

This article is for men who:

• Have tried counselling and felt it didn’t quite land

• Are curious but sceptical about therapy

• Want progress, not just insight

• Prefer practical, grounded approaches

• Feel better doing than endlessly talking

Why Counselling Can Feel Like It’s Holding Men Back

Counselling isn’t one-size-fits-all. Some approaches work brilliantly for some men — and not at all for others.

Here’s where things can start to stall.

1. Too Much Looking Back, Not Enough Moving Forward

Many traditional counselling approaches focus heavily on:

• The past

• Childhood experiences

• Emotional patterns

• Understanding “why” you are the way you are

For some men, that’s useful — especially if there’s trauma, grief, or unresolved pain.

For others, it reaches a point where they think:

“I get why I’m like this… now what?”

When therapy stays in insight mode without action, men can feel:

• Stuck

• Passive

• Frustrated

• Like nothing ever really changes outside the room

2. Talking Becomes the Work — Instead of Life Changing

Some men say counselling starts to feel like:

• A weekly vent

• A place to offload

• Temporary relief — then back to normal

Talking can help regulate emotions in the short term.But if there’s no focus on doing something differently, it can quietly replace change rather than create it.

Men often want:

• Clear direction

• Practical steps

• Something to work on

• A sense of momentum

Without that, motivation drops.

3. Being Labelled Instead of Strengthened

Another common issue is identity.

Some men start to see themselves primarily as:

• “The anxious one”

• “The depressed one”

• “The broken one”

• “The one with issues”

When therapy repeatedly centres problems without balancing strengths, men can lose confidence in their ability to cope or change.

Understanding your struggles matters — but so does remembering what you’re capable of.

4. Awareness Without Tools Can Make Things Worse

A lot of men reach a point where they say:

“I know exactly what my problem is… and I still can’t shift it.”

Awareness without tools can lead to:

• Increased self-criticism

• Frustration

• Feeling weak or ineffective

• Giving up on support altogether

Insight doesn’t equal change.

So What Actually Works Better for Many Men?

This is where a solution-focused approach comes in.

It doesn’t ignore problems.It doesn’t dismiss emotions.But it refuses to get stuck in them.

What Is a Solution-Focused Approach (In Plain English)?

Instead of spending most of the time asking:

• “What’s wrong?”

• “Why are you like this?”

• “Where did this come from?”

A solution-focused approach asks:

• “What do you want instead?”

• “When is this problem less intense?”

• “What already helps, even a bit?”

• “What would progress actually look like in real life?”

• “What’s the next small step?”

It’s practical, future-focused, and grounded.

Why This Approach Suits Many Men

1. It Respects Action Over Over-Analysis

Men often process things by:

• Doing

• Testing

• Adjusting

• Seeing results

Solution-focused work turns insight into action.

2. It Builds Momentum, Not Dependence

Progress doesn’t come from endlessly talking about problems.

It comes from:

• Small wins

• Trying new responses

• Seeing yourself cope differently

• Regaining confidence

Momentum builds motivation.

3. It Puts You Back in Control

Rather than positioning the therapist as the expert, this approach treats you as the expert in your life.

You decide:

• What matters

• What change looks like

• What’s realistic right now

That sense of control is crucial — especially for men who feel stuck or powerless.

4. It Works With How Men Actually Change

Many men don’t need to “open up” first.

They need:

• A reason to move

• A goal

• A direction

• Support while they try something different

Emotion often follows action — not the other way round.

A Realistic Example

A man came to counselling feeling low, unmotivated, and constantly frustrated. He understood how his past had shaped him — but felt fed up rehashing it.

The work shifted to:

• Defining what “better” would actually look like

• Identifying times he already coped well

• Setting small, achievable goals

• Focusing on what he could influence now

Nothing dramatic changed overnight — but over weeks, he felt:

• More capable

• More confident

• Less stuck in his head

• More like himself again

Where MoMENtum Fits Into This Picture

MoMENtum exists because not all support needs to look like therapy.

For many men:

• Connection comes before conversation

• Action comes before insight

• Belonging comes before vulnerability

MoMENtum provides:

• Low-pressure environments

• Shared experiences

• Natural conversation

• A sense of movement and routine

For some men, that’s enough.For others, it becomes the bridge that makes counselling feel more accessible — and more effective.

Counselling Isn’t the Problem — the Fit Might Be

If counselling hasn’t worked for you before, that doesn’t mean:

• You failed

• Therapy doesn’t work

• You’re beyond help

It usually means the approach didn’t match you.

Support should adapt to the man — not force the man to adapt to the model.

FAQs

Does this mean talking about the past is pointless?No. The past matters — but it shouldn’t be the only focus if you want change now.

Is solution-focused work just positive thinking?No. It’s practical, realistic, and grounded in what actually works.

Do I need counselling to benefit from this approach?No. Many men apply these principles through action, routines, and supportive environments like MoMENtum.

A Final Word for Men

If you’re tired of going round in circles —If you want movement, not labels —If you want things to actually change —

You’re not asking for too much.

Sometimes the answer isn’t more talking.It’s the right kind of support, focused in the right direction.

And often, the first step is simply not doing it alone.

Author Bio

Alan Stokes is the founder of MoMENtum, a men’s connection and wellbeing community focused on reducing isolation and helping men build meaningful friendships, confidence, and purpose.

With a background in counselling, mental health, and group facilitation, Alan works closely with men who feel disconnected, stuck, or unsure where they fit—particularly those navigating loneliness, life transitions, identity shifts, and emotional pressure in modern life.

Alan believes men don’t need fixing—they need connection, practical support, and spaces where real conversations are normal. Through MoMENtum, he brings men together through activity-based meetups, shared experiences, and honest dialogue that feels natural rather than forced.

His writing blends professional insight with real-world experience, offering clear, practical guidance without jargon or judgement. Above all, Alan is passionate about helping men realise they are not alone—and that taking action, even small steps, can change everything.